I watched The Namesake at Marge’s place. This story is all of our stories in some way, all of us who came from somewhere else, to make home somewhere else, and the awkwardness and pain that comes from trying to maintain your identity while developing a new one, in a new home. I’m going home tomorrow, after 20 days of being away from home, one day shy of the amount of time it officially takes to break a habit, i hear its 21, but maybe 20 will count. The habit has been to reject me, and now, well now i want me, bad. I feel a bit sad at all the time i’ve waisted not feeling at home in my body, but some people never feel that kind of home, even a moment of it.
There are times when i have been travelling and enough time has passed that i’ve gotten over the anxiousness of being away and i fall in to this place of comfort with myself and whatever community i’m in, at peace with no home for a little while, because everywhere feels like home. I am in the in between place now, my trip is ending, i head back to this place that used to feel like home, knowing that its time to leave and still wishing there was a reason to stay. Friends are a good reason, but they all have families and partners, they are grounded in this place. Me, i have felt beaten by it, taken advantage of, working with too many drama queens, really nice liberals and some Fidel wannabee’s all seeking my input, but never really listening, and me, still playing nice with people, not wanting to hurt their feelings or dismiss all their good intentions, no matter how patronizing, dictatorial, obstructionist or racist. Blind to the mess we have collaboratively built here, and still trumping on about how fucking great this place is. I have been in 6 provinces, and 1 state in the last 20 days and honestly, were just a teenager, were a teenager of a City, that was blessed with good looks and money and is spending that money and energy in a devastatingly irresponsible way, like alot of teenagers. Every place has its issues of course, but the place i call home will be a place that is real, respects and knows its history, and is moving forward in a thoughtful way. Maybe all i can expect is that at the very least if i embody these qualities, then maybe i’ll always be at home.