New York

I would have to say that 3 days on a bus and 13 hours on a train were worth the boredom, and the sore ass. They were worth it because being in New York on my birthday was the best gift i have given myself, although last years necklace was really beautiful, this is a whole other category. I have wanted to go for a really long time. I lied about going when i was in High School, said that i had some Aunt that lived in Manhattan, who worked for Mary Kay cosmetics and had a pink mercedes convertible, i also brought back pretend gifts, things i stole from around my house. Pretty sad really, how much i wanted to be liked and how much i wanted to be in this place that represented coolness, success, vibrancy, and style. Going to New York would have made me cooler, less poor. I used to sing New York, New York in the bathtub at the top of my lungs when i’d get home from work, mostly to amuse and annoy my family and i think to let people know i was there, that i wasn’t just another waitress getting home late, having her bath and heading to bed for another day of the same.

New York, a romance in my head. It was better than i imagined. I’m in love actually, another cliche. I think i’m in love with how i felt there. Alive, curious, beautiful,and seen. Then, like i was going to be sucked up by the beautiful monster and trampled by the people that descended like rats and cockroaches trying to escape it. I didn’t care. I thought the last day, the day that drained me, the day i was walking around in a trauma state wanting to collapse in a pile on the sidewalk. I thought that would cure the romance out of me, we had our bad day together, it was all a lie, i was just duped by your charm. I wasn’t though. I feel good when i talk about visiting New York, even with the bad day, the intense smells, the stink, i felt more alive there than i have in a long time. I realized some things i need. I want to be tossed around by storms, sweating from heat, joked with, admired, loved, needed and desired, valued, and challenged. I don’t know what being there would bring me, but i would like to find out.

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