I need to make a commitment to something, to this. To being a documentary filmmaker, i don’t know what else there is. I can’t imagine what i’m supposed to do other than this. I keep getting in my way, coming up with all the reasons why being a documentary filmmaker is something other people will do, but it’s not. It is something i will do. I want to tell true stories. I want to tell stories that move people, that tell them “I understand, I think were fucked too”. I don’t know how to make it better, i just know that we can’t keep this thing going, and we can’t keep congratulating ourselves for cleaning up messes we made. I feel bombarded in the media by all the hypocrisy and the muddiness. In a time when we are being shoved with falsely hopeful messages, true stories are crucial, the truest stories we can tell. I have”truth is relative” going off in my head. My truth i guess.
I still wonder why i feel the need to do this. How much of it is messed with childhood stuff and the need to save. I was advised that everything i do will always be both; messed up childhood stuff and an inherent part of my being. So I need to do this because of when i was 6, when i was 13, when i was 24, when i was 33, and now at 41, because of all those times and the ones in between when i looked at the world and saw the things that were wrong and wanted to respond, felt i needed to, couldn’t ignore it, and I can’t now.