written Dec 17th 2008

 I finished the term on Friday. The whole time I was there I felt like my face was changing, I was starting to look different and feel different. Right now I feel the same, lonely, with a possible case of pneumonia and depressed.  This time of year is always a painful reminder of the lack of love in my life. I have love, friend love, a lot I think. I mean family love, partner love.  My family love is my mother, and there is always the presence of dysfunction in our dynamic, with rare moments of something else that is lighter and more loving. My brother and his postcard family, sent me a postcard of themselves with a generic note about what has been going on for their family all year. He and his wife are all about efficiency. I have little to no contact with my sisters, one hasn’t talked to me in about 3 years. I had tried to be honest with her about something that had happened to her, and she felt I was blaming her. I wasn’t. I just knew what it was like to have a sign on my head that said  it was okay to violate me, and then I got so angry at a certain point and I  had to realize  to a certain extent, that  I had role in letting it happen, by putting myself in vunerable situations.  I apologized through phone and e-mail 4 times, with no responses. She doesn’t talk to my Mother either. I googled her and she works in administration at a private school. She looks well and she’s around money, which should make her happy.  I miss her a bit, mostly because we would laugh really hard together. We are very different, I don’t know what she believes in and she thinks i’m self righteous and used to think I was evil, until I redeemed myself in her eyes. I imagine I am still self righteous to her, which I am on occasion.

My other sister calls me rarely and it is painful when it happens. She wants us to be close, and I don’t think I can ever trust her. She takes from everyone around her.  In denial of the damage she has caused to her own child, and her self. She and her friends sexualized me as a child. I have blurry, but uncomfortable memories around her friends and parties she would have at the house. I have similar ones with her ex-husband. She is desperate and sad. She thinks we are the most similar, she wants us to be. I used to look up to her when I was young. I thought she was very cool. She was just messed up, and dealt with it in a more rebellious way.  My brother called me the other night to get my address and say hi. We haven’t spoken since I called him to say our Father died.  I told him I was in school and how excited I am by it. That it was the best thing I have done for myself in a long time. He seemed disinterested until we talk about him, and then i am disinterested.  I am actually angry at him, but I don’t say it. He tells me he loves me, i say nothing except good bye and hang up. It was not rude, it was just empty. I felt bad after, bad that I didn’t say I loved him back. Angry, because my mother was in the hospital for 2 months in the summer and he never replied to  e-mails I sent, and only called her twice the entire summer. I just wanted him to call to see how I was doing, how she was doing and nothing.  It gave me a painful sense of what it might be like if she was seriously ill, and the level of support he would give, any of them would give, and I felt very alone. We are blank from the photo walls in his home. We don’t fit, the broken family, with the family he has created, where it is all about what is efficient.  I talk to him about these things, how I think he tries to erase us. Maybe he hears me, but it doesn’t matter. Were still broken, all of us, from each other. I thought that when our father died, that maybe something would change. It didn’t, he just died, and we are broken by choice. We are in our respective dysfunctions, not able to be family.

So these holidays, are not the happiest times for me.  They aren’t for  a lot of people.  I have no partner, because I don’t think I can be with people sometimes. I react to so much, I have so many triggers. I want to be though, some part of me wants to be with someone. Feel at home, in the way i want to feel at home. Knowing where I come from, but not living there anymore. Living in a new place, where I am easier  on myself in the way that it matters. taking care of me. Really trusting that i can do a good job, that just because i come from a broken place and live in a broken world, it doesn’t mean that i’m broken.

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