It’s happening. documentary exposure jealousy. Early in the term last year. I sat with Michelle, one of my teachers and she said something that got well hammered into my head. There will be people around me that will do really well, get in to festivals, get films produced by the NFB, etc. Be happy for them, and stick with the story you want to tell. don’t get distracted. These words stuck, until yesterday. I saw on a facebook update that one of my classmates got in to a NY and LA film festival. I felt myself wanting to press the like option on the update, or make a comment. I couldn’t do it. It felt phoney. All I could think of was that he go in to 2 festivals with his film and probably more. It’s really good, of course he got in. It has a personal, but more general life message about it. Mine is awkward and very personal. I don’t doubt the appeal of what I made. I just don’t want to care so much. What matters was that I was proud of it, and of course that other people liked it, I didn’t just make it for me. I’m feeling less confident right now. I just sent off this application to Maysles Films in NY that felt messy, and awkward. The story concepts were awkward to me, and the dvd cover was frayed from my own bad cropping, there were 2 typos in one of the reference letters. I had 3 letters. They only asked for 2, so I held back one I felt I should have sent, the one without typos, the more subtle one. I also spent money mailing it when I could have e-mailed it. I drove myself crazy sending this thing off, and now I don’t even really care.
I’m starting again, the me bullying. It’s when I’m left alone with myself for too long. We start to get in to it. I have to remember from this last experience that getting to the story I want to tell is an awkward process, sometimes it may be less so, when the story is clearer, less personal. I want to be happy for him, genuinely. He is a sweet and talented person who got in to 2 festivals. I want to be happy for him, when my head clears, when it feels genuine. This is the part where I remind myself that I’m doing the right thing, what I’m supposed to be doing. to not get easily discouraged, to not let the jealousy get me, distract me, and eventually I will be less jealous. I already am.