Well I tried to write something happy, and it sucked. I can just rename this misery blog, come join me in my misery, and my insights on misery and universal stupidity.
I went to this herb farm a few days ago run by a woman named Robin Wheeler. I was there for 5 days. I cooked, canned, picked and got happily bonked in the head by peaches, painted, slept, ate, didn’t shower, got dirty, and listened to the rain pound on the roof. I looked over books written by people who escaped from the city and are happily living country life, they also had money. I came back. Woke up the next morning, looked at the concrete towers surrounding me in my mom’s apartment, and the crap on the TV and was struck by how abnormal it all was, everything I was looking at, sitting and living in. I thought about this place I just spent some time in. It felt normal, and that everything she is doing seemed to be about respect, and making amends to the land.
I have many parts to me, I know that. I have the part that falls in love with dresses I can’t afford. Likes parties where I can dress up, eat nice snacks, drink, and have brief conversations with people. I am going to work in a medium where there is huge waste and cost prohibitive materials. I also feel it in my body when I have taken something from a tree or a plant that I shouldn’t have, and experience genuine guilt. I cried harder for a Cypress tree than I did for my father when he died last year. I grew up around horses and felt closer to them than any of the humans in my life. I wrestle with the part of me that is in love with the idea of being in New York City, and the other part, the part that knows that cities are killing the earth, that they are unsustainable, and even with all the green roofs and recycling programs, we can’t erase what’s been done. Cities rely on girls and boys like me( but with more money) who fall in love with “things”, and want the fancy life.
The fancy life vs country life. Country life is not idyllic, I know that. It isn’t really an escape either. You have less people to deal with and fewer social buffers. It is hard work, daily hard work. If your choosing to take care of land, and make amends, like Robin has. I say make amends because of something I heard her say when she was talking about a piece of land in the nearby area. She talked about in terms of being raped of it’s diversity, turned into a lawn, so city folk can have fancy and country at the same time. She also said it just needed the right people to take care of it and it could thrive again. Make amends. These feel like powerful words. I have harmed you repeatedly earth and I want to do whatever I can to let you know that I care about you, and I don’t want you to die. I don’t want all the animals to die. I don’t want to live in a world without Tigers, Elephants or Polar Bears, a world without Redwood and Yew Trees, a place where the air, water and soil are toxic. This is where I live, and this is what is happening, and if it means anything at all I am sorry. I am sorry that people are so stupid that they don’t get that putting poison on food gives people cancer, depletes the soil and kills animals. I am sorry that we lack the wisdom to realize that profit is a lousy motive. If it means anything, I want to do better for you. I can’t promise I won’t fall in love with anymore dresses, and I won’t want fancy things some times, but for as long as I’m here, I will take better care of you. I love you. I love you like I love nothing else.