I am embarrassed sometimes that I use the internet this way. That it has become a place to expose my feelings like it has for so many people. Maybe it’s like going to confession, or visiting your favourite old tree. You can say everything and not be judged, and if you are, you can’t look them in the eyes and feel the judgment. It is anonymous, like confession.
I am deeply sad right now. Dissappointed with most of what’s around me, but this isn’t news. Some days it’s worse. I listen to my mother talk about my sister and my nephew on the phone. She’s more erratic than usual, no surprise, learning your dying by something specific will do that. I listen to her though, and I hear a hollowness in her voice, like she’s saying emotional things, but there is no emotion. She’s angry but it feels like nothing. I wonder how often I am like this. I say love, and often I don’t feel love, or I say it when they’re not around and it makes me cry, I say it to the air or to an image of them in my head. I’ve been crying alot. Things are unclear with someone I think I love very much. I can’t talk to him right now. I’ve been thinking so much about it, I don’t even know what I would say If I actually talked to him. I had this thought that if I thought any harder about it, my brain would start to bleed. I sometimes think there is something wrong with me. Like mentally wrong. I think so hard. I am always trying to figure things out, and I mock people and call them arrogant for thinking they have found the one thing that will solve all our problems. Bio-diesel, recycling, sprititual movements, books, money, compassion, love. Who can blame them. It gives people hope to think there is something that will save us.
I listened to all these people last night who are doing social justice work. I was documenting them as part of the Peace Summit. Nothing stuck for me. All the words ran right through me, except for 2. Knowledge Economy. Only 2 that resonated. That this place, my blog, my confessional, my old tree, is housed in one of the only environments where there is the potential to level the playing field. As I know from all my thinking, there is no one thing that will make it all better, no one person, and no particular word. I don’t remember when it first came to me, and it’s not anything particullarly brillliant, but I realized we need to try as many things as possible, the things that feel right for us. Not just the two options, but the 3rd and maybe the 4th. Not just harm-reduction, but abstinence too, and they don’t eliminate each other, they are options. If we are an open society, then that would mean we had choices, not just the lesser of two evils, like everytime I go to the ballot box. Heads hurting again. I should take my advice and try meditating, my brain is needing a rest.