I am sinking. Eating too much, but nothing tastes good. Crying everyday. I move from angry to sad, to helpless all day long. I don’t know when It’s going to change. I am lost, and trapped. My brother was just here for his guilt visit. He’s only had one. The one that involves seeing our mother before she dies of cancer. She could be around for years, he may have to do more than 48 hours of barely making eye contact, and bringing his 4 year old boy as a way to avoid talking. It was so awkward. I have had complete strangers treat me better. He is like a brick, not mean, not anything. I don’t want to buy the excuse that he can’t talk about it because he’s a man. I think men get away with not communicating, just like women get away with being passive, apparently it’s not in our nature, which is such shit on both counts.
I keep saying to myself, and others have said to me, this will change. It will get better. It feels very far away, better. I cried so hard last night I could hardly breathe. I am losing my mom, and I have lost someone who I love, not died, but it feels like it. I think of him during the day, I dream of him at night. I smell him. I don’t want to let him go. I have to let him go. Or I have to let something go. I’m just overwhelmed with loss. My home, my identity in the community I was a part of for 16 years. I am losing my mother and my family, who I lost a long time ago, but more acutely felt at the moment when they are most needed. My best friend, someone I have been a little in love with since the day I met him 14 years ago; and another good friend who has been like family, who hooked up with someone and moved to relationship land, where old needy friends like me get an awkward lunch once every couple of months. I don’t really talk to many people and I don’t hear from very many people. I wouldn’t want to talk to me either right now. Everything breaking down, means making space right? For something more real, greater, more authentic. I know the therapy, new age lingo about what this time could mean for me. Transformation, shedding skins, becoming more of myself. I also know that I am in pain, in all kinds of ways everyday,transforming hurts.